The BEST Christmas Ever!

Going into Christmas 2015 I felt like Faith Hill's song "Where Are You Christmas", but by the second verse of that song she has discovered her Christmas spirit. 

Where are you Christmas 

Why can't I find you 

Why have you gone away 

Where is the laughter 

You used to bring me 

Why can't I hear music play

My world is changing

I'm rearranging

Does that mean Christmas changes too

I was certain that if I could get the Tree....

Add the lights and decorations.....

Decorate the house......

Just enjoy the Christmas Spirit I could once again rekindle Christmas. 

Alas it seemed as if I was never going to find my Christmas spirit, and as the big DAY approached, I felt a familiar feeling. What exactly was that feeling?

I know it is February and few people are thinking about Christmas.  Christmas 2015 was a bit of a roller coaster for me. When I first left the X I was excited for the holidays, but for whatever reason by the time October rolled around I really wasn’t looking forward to any of the Holidays.

The kids had a fabulous Halloween (despite my not having much money to help  them with costumes and food).  Lu invited a group of her friends over to pass out candy. Both kids were super excited as this was the first year we expected trick or treators.  When the X and I purchased our house, I was super excited about that first Halloween. I bought a decent amount of candy and the X stayed home to pass it out while I took Lu to get her own candy. We did not have a single trick or treat visitor, it was disappointing.

Since moving into my apartment we have seen a number of kids of various ages in the neighborhood. So we expected we would have kids. 3 small bags of candy later we had a good amount of trick or treat visitors (and a hoodlum who smashed Sampson’s pumpkin). More important were the kids hanging out. Lu planned a fabulous spread, Becs came over to help prepare all the sweets and treats and then the rest of the gang showed up. The kids had a good time getting dressed up, passing out candy and playing cards against humanity.

On to Thanksgiving:

I am beginning to think Lu lives for Holiday meals. She enjoys planning them and puts considerable effort into planning the menu. She had been planning this Thanksgiving meal since January and it was one of her first questions when her Dad and I separated. “Would this affect Thanksgiving dinner?” I was determined not to let it. Dare I even say it would be the best Black Friday Thanksgiving EVER?!

I put a deposit down on a heritage turkey from one of our favorite farmers, Meant to be Meadows, and when time came to pay the balance and pick up the Turkey the Universe worked that out for me. I had been able to provide the ingredients for her to make the meal she planned, with some help from my Mom (Almond Flour and other Grain Free baking supplies), and a program funded by the Friends of the Public Market.  This program gifted me bonus dollars when I used my SNAP benefits at the Public Market.

Thanksgiving on Black Friday, and I was sick. It didn’t matter, Lu had her first run as a solo chef preparing a Thanksgiving meal and her timing was spot on. It was a tasty meal, so tasty no one had room for the desserts (which we enjoyed over the course of the next week).

Then it was time for the Christmas Tree. I just wasn’t feeling it. I didn’t want to drag the boxes down from the attic. If I just faked it, eventually I would find my Christmas spirit, right? Off we went to get our Christmas tree from the Boy Scouts. It was twice my budget but financially things were looking OK, and my parents found an old heavy tree stand they no longer used. Up went the tree. It was a beautiful tree. It sat lonely and plain for 2 weeks. Partially because we all wanted to be together to decorate it, and partially because I just wasn’t into it. I didn’t even put lights on until it was time to decorate.

I stuck some paper flowers a friend and local artist had made into the tree on a whim, but somehow it worked. This gave me the homemade heartfelt Christmas feeling I had been missing, and I plan on picking up a few more (about a dozen total of these flowers and some of her stitched birds as well) and maybe even trying my hand at this pin or this one, but despite the flowers and the tree I just wasn’t quite there.

The kids decorated the tree but the Angel and my stocking were still in the attic. 

It took a couple of days to get those items out, and still no Christmas spirit. I was starting to feel like the first verse of the Faith Hill song “Where Are You Christmas”.

Then everything in my financial world turned upside down. I have always wanted to do a truly homemade Christmas (and Christmas 2014 found me doing the most homemade gifts I had ever done), but I lacked confidence in my own DIY abilities. I scrambled for cash and sold some more of my belongings to come up with $100.  It was enough. I was able to purchase 2 large KirArts Monsters and 2 Nubbins. Christmas wouldn’t be the same in my house without KiraArts.

Even with having the gifts taken care of my SNAP benefits were nearly exhausted and I was worried about being able to make Christmas Breakfast and dinner on $45. Once again, the Universe (and maybe Sheila Kennedy) reminded me that I was supported and I found myself with a last minute holiday chair massage event, giving me the cash I needed to stuff the kids stockings. I kept pushing forward but I just didn’t feel like Christmas.

Lu adjusted her breakfast and dinner menus to fit what we had and what we could afford, and once again it worked out. (Even the week after Christmas with no SNAP benefits remaining and no new benefits coming in until 1/6/2016 worked out.) My parent brought veggies, fruit and cookies and we had a wonderful Christmas. My mother brought less for Christmas gifts than she has in the past and it seemed like she put more thought into the gifts she did purchase and pass on (I received a box of afghans, which I use all the time) all of her gifts were spot on. The kids were happy with their gifts and we enjoyed a quiet day with family.

A brand new stocking for Sampson a custom order from Erin Makes Stuff

I LOVE the gifts I received from my kids, a peacock mochi from Sampson, and a peacock inspired hair clip from Lu. I always tell my kids that the homemade, heartfelt gifts are the best and I truly mean it. 

As Christmas wound down I was finally found my Christmas spirit.

The X was never a big fan of Christmas, and I knew and understood his reasons and his feelings. Sometimes I felt like he was Grinching me, but the last few years we were together he really made an effort to make Christmas good for me and the kids. He downloaded a bunch of Christmas Music just for me. He would drag the Christmas Tree down (usually in time for my birthday) and even fluff up the branches. He would drag out the ornaments. He enjoyed Christmas with his family, but somehow I lost sight of that and I blamed him for my lack of Christmas spirit.

I was so focused on creating the fairytale for my kids that I became stressed out. Money was ALWAYS tight in our house, so I always had to wait for my Birthday money to purchase Christmas gifts (which made me always feel like I was under the gun, especially for the ones I had to ship downstate) and to purchase the fixings for the BIG meal. Instead of saying WE really couldn’t afford Prime Rib, I would use all my Birthday money to make Christmas happen and sometimes even the credit cards. Then I would resent the X for not chipping in, keep in mind I never asked him to chip in, I just expected him to see that I never spent my Birthday money on me and feel like he SHOULD contribute more.

The cause of my stress and unhappiness was solely myself. No matter what the year or circumstances I always made Christmas happen, but I put so much pressure on myself for it to be perfect I actually ruined it for everyone. The kids and the X could see and feel my stress but when they offered to help I would get defensive and angry and attack them for offering help.

So why am I thinking about Christmas now? I believe the key to not stressing is to have a plan. For me not to feel financially stressed about making Christmas happen is to spread it out over the year. To make a list of who I WANT to gift to, not those I feel obligated to gift to, but those I want to gift to and what I think they might like. For me this will be a paper list that I can keep in my coat pocket (I don’t always carry a purse). I'll pick up little things as I see them at craft shows, First Fridays, Second Saturdays and Brainery Bazaars throughout the year.  I'll also need to start DIYing some of my gifts with plenty of time to try again. Lastly, I am going to make an effort to take $20 out of every pay that I receive between now and Thanksgiving so when the BIG Holiday shows start happening I'll have some money to finish my shopping. 

I haven’t sent out Christmas cards since the kids were little, and I would like to start doing so again. My thought is if make 1-3 Christmas cards per week (I love to make cards and have plenty of supplies) and address the envelopes (while creating an updated address book for myself) it will be easier come Thanksgiving to write a brief personalized greeting in each one and mail them out. I will also be purchasing the stamps weekly to defray the costs (and yes I know this means they will not have Christmas/winter stamps on them and I am OK with that). 

If you want you’ll be able to keep up with my Christmas preparations on this blog (although I won’t share projects that I am working on for the kids, because you never know when Lu is going to come in and edit, tag, label posts or write one of her own). 

Who is with me?