Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Celebrating the Small Steps

It took longer than I anticipated, and I am not close to finished, but I am learning to celebrate the small steps.

The Christmas Tree is down, and picked-up by City Refuse. I am a little confused though, as I was under the impression that the City of Rochester composted Christmas Trees, but apparently they do not as it was picked up by a large refuse truck (the ones they send out for furniture and the like) and tossed in the bucket with the mattresses and other trash. Which means that if I am in Rochester for next Christmas I need to make sure my tree is recycled. Wonder if Community Composting has a program for Christmas Trees? (This is not a paid link, I am just hoping that if they do not have a Christmas Tree Composting Program they consider the potential need for one). 

Ornaments and Tree stand are still sitting in the living room, but that can be remedied before I go to bed tonight. 

I did manage to wash the Front window wall and the front window. I also pulled out a piece of cardboard to use as additional insulation for that window. The drywall is in pretty good shape. I pulled out three nails and will need to fill those holes. Then there is a single crack above the window that also needs repair. Drywall repair supplies I have, so that is on my list to complete. Once the repairs are made the whole wall will be sanded and I would like to prep it for painting. This is one of the rooms I do not yet have the paint for, but I do have primer, so it will be primed. 

I have the white wooden displays on the front porch that I would like to bring in. I haven't decided if I want to put them in a square formation (requiring some hardware to hold them together) with a tufted cushion top. Think seating, footstool or coffee table. Or if I want to line them behind the current seating. Ideally with cushion tops for additional seating when necessary. What I have decided is that I am going to leave the drawers out and potentially use baskets (if I can find some the right size). The drawers are heavy and close fast often pinching fingers.  I'll find another use for the drawers (maybe a bookcase).

The displays are press board with veneer. I'll have to look into my options to refinish them to make them look nicer. Maybe a heather grey finish to look like drift wood? Maybe a marble finish?

I have a second window and wall to clean and prepare for insulation. I was also looking at the interior door for the entryway and noticed that the trim was installed incorrectly. The one side is pushed to far back causing the opposite side to be pushed to far out and the glass not to be secure. So I'll need to remove the trim on both side and reset the glass. The door itself could use a sanding and fresh stain. I'll see what I can set up in the basement to move this project there. 

As for the floor vents and air returns I have put off cleaning them, but I was forced into cleaning the air return when the Ruffle Puff peed next to it. There is still more to be scraped out and then a good clean down with some essential oil, vinegar and hot water is in order. 

My small vacuum works great, but when I have the cash I would like to order 2 additional filters for it. The filter clogs easy, and it needs to be washed and allowed to dry. Having two more will make using it easier. I still have to drag the vacuum up from the basement to see if it works. I DID vacuum the chairs and they are much cleaner now. 

Monday, January 11, 2016

Winter WARM UP!

As is typical here in Rochester, winter has finally arrived. I did not turn the heat on last night (but I did hibernate under a foot of blankets) and when I woke up this morning it was about 50 degrees. So long as it doesn't dip below 40 (I don't want the pipes to freeze) then I will continue to leave the heat off at night. I don't have the funds to purchase plastic to insulate my windows. The windows in my apartment are single pane and the draft is evident when sitting near a window. Since 2016 is the year of Focus, what I CAN DO is use the cardboard I have to create a little bit of window insulation and barrier. I do have curtains, but I don't yet have curtain rods I can use with the. I have tension rods which won't hold any kind of heavy curtain. 

Back to the cardboard, I probably have enough to do the living room and both sets of bedroom windows. IF I have left over I would like to do the front door. However, just putting up cardboard will may the apartment look abandoned and might invite problems. So I will cover the cardboard with wrapping paper. It will look Christmasy, but that is what I will have to live with in order to be just a little bit warmer. I do want to invest in some draft stoppers (tube socks or material filled with rice or other grain) for in front of doors and on the top of the window splits, but I am not there right now. 

Additionally, I CAN clean out the floor vents and air returns. We have 3 cats and a dog so to say we have dust bunnies (from dander and fur) is an understatement. Right now my floor vents and air returns are pretty gross. I have a small handheld vacuum and there is a regular vacuum in the basement. I am going to give both a try and see which one works BEST. I would also be great if I could put the second door back on the entryway. Two doors will help cut down the draft. I do have some weather stripping so I'll try to apply that today as well. This summer I want to repair the front door. The trim around the glass is not snug and has been secured with large screws. I would like to use wood glue and finishing nails and then fill any gaps with wood putty (but warmer weather is better for that). 

So that is my focus for today. I will try to update tomorrow with pictures of my progress.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

How Do You Measure A Life?

2015 was a year of change, turbulence, loss, joy and regret. Mid-December I had the privilege of attending the memorial service of a long time friend, mentor and my second mother. As I pulled into the parking lot to find all the spaces taken, I realized just how much this wonderful woman touched the lives of others. Then as we approached the chapel the line was out the door. We waited for quite some time just to get into the chapel, and the line continued to grow behind us. It wasn't standing room only inside the chapel for the service, but it was close. 
There were tears, but they were quickly replaced with a laugh and joyous memory. The resounding message from everyone was that this was a woman who was truly beautiful inside and out. She was far from perfect, but she truly cared about all the people she came into contact with. She listened and she remembered. Everyone could count on her to ask how some minor detail of your life (that was important to you) was progressing when it seemed like no one else was listening. 
I had never seen this woman not look dressed up. Every outfit was put together down to the smallest details (jewelry, handbag, shoes and scarfs). But that was part of what made her so special. Her attention to the smallest details. She threw the BEST parties (baby showers, bridal showers, and just because get togethers). It was at her Daughter's Bridal Shower that I finally realized that the reason her parties were so magical was because she put the same attention to detail into every aspect, even the tiny things that many people wrote off as unimportant (right down to the disposable flat ware). 
She did everything with a smile and humility. When people would praise her and thank her for ALL THE HARD WORK she put in (she would work on events for months) she would deflect and thank the people that helped out here and there as if they had done all the hard work. I know, I was often the wing woman who drove her to the various stores to gather ideas and supplies. I often got phone calls asking me to look at photos and tell her what I thought. 
She was more than my Best Friend's Mother she was a mother to all who needed someone other than their own mother to talk to. I used to be so very jealous of the relationship she had with her daughter. I did not have that kind of relationship with my own mother. I have learned that all relationships are different and I have worked (and am still working) to have the kind of relationship with my mother that I want. Then at some point in the hang outs, mud masks and coffee talk with Pat, I realized she was very much a second mother to me.
When my first was born Pat doted on her (as she did not yet have Grandkids of her own), and she often borrowed my sweet angel for a Grandchild fix. She was an integral part of my wedding planning. She was someone who never let me lie to myself. When I would tell her I was OK with a certain situation in my home life she would always tell me that I could tell myself that I was fine with it, but the exhaustion I wore said differently. When I finally made the decision to change my home life she was one of the FEW who was not surprised. Like my own mother she knew how dissatisfied I was with the situation, and how truly unhappy I was. She simply offered me a hug, a glass of wine and told me how beautiful and happy I looked (and of course asked me when I was going to start dating, and every phone call or visit afterwords always including "so are you seeing anyone yet?". 
She always complimented me on something about my appearance, and she was honest and sincere. 
I love the way she always got up, got dressed and showed up. I had the privilege of being part of her end days hospice in her home. Even then she made the effort to look good, and tried to make those around her feel good. In the moments when the sadness over took her I got to comfort her. Afterwords she would always apologize for being sad. 
When she first found out the cancer was back, and worse than the first time around I was devastated. I knew I should have called her more, and visited her more, but I felt helpless. I knew she wasn't going to beat it this time (but if sheer willpower was the key to beating the unbeatable she would have done it) and she knew, yet she smiled, she laughed, she comforted others. I will always be grateful that the universe put our paths together for those few weeks. 
I have learned so much from her, and so I will continue to live my life honoring her memory and what she has taught me. I will even make some of that the focus of my year to come and ever after. 
She was beautiful (inside and out - maybe it was the true inner beauty that shone right through to the outside that caught everyone's attention), she was kind, and she was joyous even against the darkest odds. 
When I leave this plane, I want the people whose lives I touched to be as genuine and widespread as what I witnessed in knowing Pat for 25+ years, and at the memorial service that was more about celebrating a life than sorrow for the time we did not get with her. 

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Celebrating Progress!

With so many factors outside my control, it helps to keep things in perspective when I celebrate the small wins and daily progress. So yesterday before I went to bed I cleaned ALL the dishes. I did not leave any for the next morning. Then this morning I woke up made breakfast (using up those sweet potatoes and zucchini I was worried about losing to food waste as well as some onion and mushrooms and 2 fried eggs) for Lulu and I, Sampson made some gluten free mac n cheese. After breakfast I cleaned up ALL the dishes again. This is progress and where I am focused on staying. I CAN keep my dishes up to date, so I WILL keep my dishes up to date. Sure there are times it will be tempting to let them slide and do them later, tomorrow or the next day. I am even sure there will be times (family celebrations) that after keeping up with the dishes while preparing the meal I don't feel like washing all the plates and serving dishes. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. What I won't do is let it defeat me or overwhelm me. 


The girl, the boy and I moved on to the Christmas Tree. Yes I did intentionally leave it up until the New Year. While I am not a Christian, I am of German Heritage so Epiphany or Little Christmas has some meaning for me. Plus I love the look of an ever green tree. Did you know that the tradition of bringing an ever green into the house pre-dates Christmas (not sure if it predates Solstice or Yule). In olden times (my way of saying I don't remember the time period it dates to), people would bring in boughs or whole ever green trees to remind them that they too would survive the long, cold, dark winter. It was a bit of greenery to lift the spirit, color and scent the home. Typically by the time the boughs/tree had dried out, spring arrived. Not sure about the adding candles, but I do know that also pre-dates Christmas. Maybe I'll do the research into it before next Christmas. Personally I am tempted to keep my tree up in the corner (without its decorations) for the rest of the winter... 


but I stopped watering it on Christmas so the needles are dropping fast...



Last night we took all the ornaments and lights off the Christmas tree and put them in their boxes for another year. Sampson mentioned that he liked taking the ornaments off the tree more than putting them on the tree. It is kind of a find and seek adventure. I love removing the ornaments because when the kids can't remember whose ornament is whose it is my opportunity to tell them the story associated with their ornament. 

So today I am tasked with putting their ornaments in the attic, returning my stocking, tree topper, tree skirt and long red cap to my Christmas Box and the dragging the tree out to the curb. Once that is done I think a good thorough sweep of the living room and maybe some furniture rearranging. Maybe I'll bring the benches and their drawers in from the porch (I should do that sooner rather than later before the elements ruin them).


Friday, January 8, 2016

Frugal Fridays

Food Waste Fridays
Follow Fridays
Food Hop Fridays
Foodie Fridays

I thought about a number of topics to write about on Fridays, and they all seem to have one thing in common (at-least for me). Frugality is not a bad word, and right now while I am seeking Financial Freedom it is my word. I have never thought being frugal was a bad thing. Being stingy or being cheap, those are bad words. I have read blogs that have promoted doing things in the name of frugality (stealing toilet paper for businesses, etc.) and that is not what Frugal Fridays is about. 

Frugal Fridays is about my efforts (and failures) at being frugal along my road to financial freedom. I have never lived a lavish lifestyle, but there are certainly time when I am less than frugal. This will be my attempt to be accountable to my frugal lifestyle.

Food Waste Fridays, I have followed more than one blogger who participated in Food Waste Fridays, but I personally cannot see devoting an entire post to just my own personal food waste. If I am wasting that much food each week, I have a bigger problem. Certainly my food waste has increased over the past year and I believe I can link that directly to stress and the feeling of being overwhelmed and having no control. 

Today I can tell you that I have 1 cup of mashed sweet potatoes, from Thanksgiving to throw away. I had originally frozen them. But then I got them out for Lu to eat one day and she did not. I should have then made them into something, a sweet potato cake or something. But I did not and now they are not safe to eat. I have 1 cup of red quinoa to throw away. This was something Lu made and did not finish. Again I should have thrown it in the freezer for later use or used it up myself. There was a package of romaine hearts. These had begun look slimy and smell off. I salvaged the bases which I will cut up for tacos in a day or two, as well as half of a zucchini. Again I cut out the part that was no good and salvaged the rest. It will need to be used up soon (maybe a hash with some onions, peppers and mushrooms).


While I am on the topic of food that needs to be used up, I also have 2 over ripe avocados. I have no idea if they are still good (or how to tell if they are good). So I'm going to Pop out for some googling....and there is no definitive on whether or not it is safe to eat. I have in the past used soft/smooshy avocados to make chocolate mousse. So I guess I'll cut into these two later today and see how the look, smell and taste. If all goes well I'll have some yummy chocolate mousse, if not I'll update my food waste.  

Additionally, I have 4 pomegranates in my fridge from way back in September. They have lost their bright red color and seem to look dehydrated. I'll see if I can salvage any seeds for use in smoothies. Then there are carrots which have been around for a maybe a month. Some left over bagged salad from last week, and some mini oranges that should be investigated. The last thing to deal with is sweet potatoes.They have started to get spots and look "dried up". So I'll cook up the ones that have spots and scoop out the flesh to freeze for Lu to use in smoothies. I might give the pup and kitties a little treat of sweet potato as well. 

One of the good things about evaluating my food waste and food situation is that I can look at what needs to be eaten, used or frozen and plan the next week's meals from there. Given that my food budget is $368 per month to feed three adults. Yeah I said adults. Both of my kiddos are taller than I am, and eat as much if not more than I do. That is what SNAP has determined is required to feed the three of us 3 meals a day 30/31 days in a month. Fortunately for me, Lu does spend 2-3 days with her father where I only have to feed her either breakfast or dinner. Even still it is tough and if it hadn't been for the Friends of the Rochester Public Market's campaign giving me $2 extra dollars for every $5 of EBT at the public market (and lots of supplementing) I would not have survived. 

I know some will make the argument that SNAP counts on kids of school age receiving at least Lunch at School (and some breakfast too), but there is no box on the application to indicate that I home school one of my children, or to indicate food allergies. I'll be doing a separate post on Food Stamps in the near future. But even my Lu can rarely eat at school. She cannot eat Gluten, Rice, Soy, Grains (except on very rare occasions), legumes, etc. She cannot even eat off the school salad bar, because despite having more than one Celiac student enrolled in the school they cannot figure out to remove the croutons and noodles from the salad bar to prevent cross contamination. Lu used to eat at the school from the salad bar until she found a crouton in her salad and realized that the reason she was still suffering flares and the butterfly rash was likely due to cross contamination. She now just eats whole apples, bananas or oranges or brings her own liquid (smoothie) lunches to school. 

So this week's Frugal Friday is about food waste, making me accountable for what I wasted and getting me back on track. 

How did I do?


Thursday, January 7, 2016

Finding Joy

It was starting to look like 2016 was going down the same bumpy spiral path that I had somehow followed for most of 2015. I was given news that was not what I had expected nor what I had hoped. I was battling a head cold and I was allowing the sorrow and pity to guide my focus and my thoughts. 

A conversation with a good friend, some time with my kids helped me to realize that I still had options (maybe not the options I wanted, but options none the less). 

I have two generally healthy kids. Lulu wants to be a UFC fighter and she has the dedication to make that dream come true. Sampson is finally experiencing regular joy now that he has come to grips with his true identity, and this year is about him finding himself so that he can start down his own path. I have the privilege of watching these two wonderful children along their journeys and sometimes even being a part of them. 

Finances are not where I would like them to be. So it is time to start hard core cleaning, purging and selling. I have an offer for some contract work starting mid to end of January and I have two chair events mid January. 

Once the divorce is final I will close out my 401k (yes I know tax penalties) and be able to get caught up and hopefully afford a decent, reliable car. If there is not enough in my 401k then I will likely also close my Metlife Annuity which will give me enough for a car and to finish furnishing the apartment with things like curtain rods and shelving.

But that is all down the road. Right now what I can focus on is my kids, my pets and clearing out the clutter from my apartment. 

It is not even a one day at a time motto, my motto is one moment at a time. In this moment that I am presently in, am I enjoying all that there is to enjoy; am I present; is it enough?

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Set Backs

Not FOUR days into this new and fabulous year I received bad news (on two fronts) and I allowed myself to be swallowed by sorrow and self-pity. Having a head cold that just won't go away and stay away didn't help. Words of wisdom from a good friend did. 

I may have hoped to start my Trashy Tuesday posts yesterday and missed it, but there is always next week. 

I can wallow in self-pity and continue on the path of no control or I can FOCUS on what I can do.

I cannot make my divorce happen any sooner. I CAN be optimistic that the divorce proceedings will go smoothly and quickly this year. 

I cannot make DSS open a TA case for me and pay my back rent. I CAN communicate with my landlord. I CAN clean my apartment. I CAN continue to purge my clutter. 

I cannot will myself healthy. I CAN focus on habits that encourage my immune system to start working again. 

There will be set backs, disappointments and days where I question myself and my existence. What will matter going forward is how I choose to respond to those set backs.

I will continue to clean house and if I have to pack my things and vacate this property I have a house which I CAN return to or I CAN move in with my parents for a very short period of time. 

No matter what I will continue to have faith that the UNIVERSE is guiding me and I will find my happiness and joy in 2016. It is there deep inside my soul. A little ember that I must protect and grow and fan the flames when the time is right. 

Monday, January 4, 2016

FOCUS 2016

As I mentioned in yesterday's post, somewhere along the line in 2015 I lost focus. I am not a big fan of Resolutions. I have in the past called them Goals. I do like the concept of starting a new year with a new plan, but I don't believe that one has to wait for the new year to start a new plan or that those plans, resolutions or goals should come with the expectation of instant achievement. 

The primary issue I find with my past resolutions is not that they were lofty, lofty goals are good. When one shoots for the moon one is sure to land among the stars. Instead the issue is that I have set lofty goals with little or no planning how to reach those goals. Then either several small set backs discourage me, or I simply forget about the goals with the demands of daily lives. 

Instead for 2016 I am simply going to be focused. 

Focused on:

ABUNDANCE - There is abundance on this earth and I am fortunate enough to share in that abundance.

I will not focus on what I do not have, I will focus on what I do HAVE. The rest will fall into place. 

ABILITY - I am an ably bodied person capable of doing and learning, failing my way to success. 

For too long the little voice inside my head has said I cannot. And the support outside my head said YOU cannot and you DO NOT. No more. The voice in my head will be retrained to say I can try. I can try and try again. Sure there are some things that I will not conquer, but there is nothing that I cannot give a fair try and if it comes out a complete disaster, at least I can say I tried. 

FREEDOM - I am free from all constraints, the Universe is my home and my guide. 

I will no longer seek anyone's approval or permission for my life. I will live the life that flutters in my dreams and that lingers on my mind. I will be the source of my own happiness. 

HAPPINESS - I am in complete control of my own happiness. 

These are the focus for my 2016. They are achievable, but will not be satisfied by January 30th. Only on the last day of the year can I look back and honestly evaluate if I was resolved in my focus or if I let myself lose yet another year of my life. 

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Reflections

I thought 2015 was going to be MY year. I started out the year asking for guidance from the universe. I tried to repair my marriage, only to discover it was beyond repair. I made a decision to move out of my home and start over. The year started out so well, then I lost focus. 

I stopped focusing on what was in front of me, where I was going and all the wonderful things I had in my life. I started focusing on all that I didn't have (time or money - I never seem to have both at the same time). I became resentful of my estranged husband for the money he has. 

As Christmas approached I went from thinking this was going to be the best Christmas ever, to wanting to skip or cancel the holiday.

2015 was not a total loss. I learned.

I learned that my Christmas spirit has been lacking because of worry and stress. Initially worry about upsetting my husband with my holiday spirit as well as worry about making the holiday happen. Even without my Grinch husband I found it difficult to enjoy my holiday. I worried about having lights for the tree (which I found I had and a true friend offered me more should I need them). I worried about having the supplies to bake (we did not bake this year because I did not have the money or supplies to bake). I worried about being able to put even one gift under the tree (I never feel confident in my craftiness). I worried about being able to even serve Christmas dinner. 

I learned that while I have felt alone for the majority of my marriage and as a parent, I also feel alone because I am empty. I have no confidence in myself or my abilities. 

I learned that Christmas will go on, with or without means. I had one of the best Christmases I have had since I was a young child (more on that later this week). 

I learned that my focus needed to shift. I need to shift from what I do not have and what I cannot do, to what I do have and what I can do (more on that later this week). 

I learned I have a lot of friends and just who was not truly a friend. I did not lose any friends. Those who walked away were never my friends. 

I learned I have strength that I have yet to tap, and that happy is not easy. It takes work and every day I get up I have a choice. A choice to move forward and look for the good and the joy or stay stagnant and woeful. 

2015 may not have been the year I thought it would be, but it was the year that I needed it to be. 

I needed to feel utterly alone to realize that feeling alone was not the result of the people around me, but an emptiness in myself. Something that I cannot fill with food or stuff, people or events. It is something that I have to fill from myself. I have to grow my own confidence, joy and self-worth. No one can do that for me. 

So look at 2016 this is going to be my year. 

Saturday, January 2, 2016

2016 The YEAR of Things to Come

I woke to the first day of 2016 with a dusting of new fallen snow (not even really enough to cover the ground) and a dash of snow falling from the sky. It was as if Mother Nature and Old Man Winter couldn't decide if they wanted to start the New Year with winter. 

I am one of the few who LOVES the snow. I love watching it fall peacefully to the ground. I love the view of untouched new fallen snow. I am not going to pretend that I like grey slush or the way people sometimes forget to be decent human beings on snowy highways, but I won't blame snow for the behavior of a few. 

After a leisurely morning I had the JOY of making pizza fries with my Sampson and sitting and binge watching Jessica Jones on Netflix. 

What are Pizza Fries you ask? They are a simply joy, something this house is focusing on more and more. Start with potatoes, sometimes we use red, sometimes Yukon, and sometimes Russet. My preference would be to use local potatoes, but, sometimes that isn't feasible.  I am learning to accept that which I have no control over. 

Slice your potatoes into fries, toss them in a bowl with oil of your choice (we typically use Olive Oil, but have also used Coconut Oil) and some seasonings. Again this is totally up to what you like. Right now we use Onion Onion (or Onion Powder), Garlic Powder, Salt, Pepper and Basil. Spread on a pan (with the large batches we have been doing we have been using a large roasting pan). Bake at 425 for 20 -30 minutes. At this point your fries SHOULD be cooked all the way through. The bottoms are typically nice and golden. You an at this point flip them all. We usually just shake them around and or stir them. Add shredded mozzarella to your liking. Add Pepperoni to your liking. We cut the pepperoni into quarters the second time we made this dish and found it to be more manageable. You an leave your oven on or turn it off. Since all we want to do is melt the cheese we turn the oven off and use the residual heat to melt the cheese and warm the pepperoni. If you are a fan of tomato sauce, you could always heat some in a pan and dip your fries in that. We however, LOVE white pizza and that is essentially the flavor we get when we season our fries. 

If you are particular about your fries being evenly golden and crunchy on both sides you will need to flip your fries and return them to the oven at 425 for another 5-10 minutes before moving on to the cheese and pepperoni. 

Sampson loves making fries and he does a pretty good job. We adjust our recipe based on what we have on hand and we are forever being creative. A better blogger would have taken pictures of the fries, but I was ravenous so we just plated them and ate them. Maybe next time. 

Happy New Year! What Do You Want 2016 to Be For You?