Thankful Thursday Week 2

Yesterday was a rest day, that is the polite way of saying that I did not get anything I had planned or hoped to accomplish done yesterday. I am Thankful that I have learned to embrace those days and accept them for what they are. I took the opportunity to reflect on 2015 and what it meant for me. Today my friends and classmates took a very important exam. The New York State Massage Therapy State Licensing Board Exam.  While I am a bit disappointed to not be taking the exam with them, my energy and efforts are better focused on the positive. That being, I did not study over the break from school 12/12/14 through the New Year. I enjoyed that time with my family. Then I studied a small amount before I received notice that I was ineligible for the exam. Sure the information is fresh in my brain (after all I spent the last 6 months trying to cram it all in), instead I am taking the next 7 months making sure that I do in fact know all the information that I need to pass my board exam. 

I am forever grateful for my long time friend Jennifer, because it does not matter what direction our lives take us, or how long we are apart. We simply need a telephone and twenty minutes.  This past weekend we had the opportunity for a long over due Girls Weekend.  We reconnected and shared over a bottle of wine, some SNL, Empire and Gone Girl.  

I am thankful that on Tuesday night when I was taking out the trash I listened when I was compelled to look up. The winter night sky was clear and crisp. The stars were bright and beautiful.  

I am thankful for the wonderful people who keep falling into my life, some for a brief period of time and others for longer. It seems (a friend confided in me) that I have the best luck and know all the right people. 

I am thankful for the friend who pointed me in the direction of a much needed opportunity.

I am thankful for the friend who shared with me books when I had run out of reading material. 

I am thankful for my new Oakworks bag for my table.

Thankful Thursdays

Remember when I declared that I was going to post for Thankful Thursdays? Well here we go. 

Thanksgiving is always the fourth Thursday in the month of November. More and more information is coming to light about the story of the First Thanksgiving. Some groups are devoted to getting to the roots of the tradition and preparing what would be a "traditional" meal. 

My mother traces her roots to the Iroquois tribe of the Haudenosaunee Confederacy, and while I have always been drawn to the traditions of indigenous people I feel that my connection is more to the nature aspect of those traditions. I love that Iroquois and other Native People have a profound connection and reverence for nature and the spirits of those gone before us.

Personally, I don't care what, when or where the original Thanksgiving is or was. I LOVE the idea of Thanksgiving. I love any opportunity to get together with family and friends and be grateful and celebrate LIFE and the future. 

So my goal is to be Thankful every Thursday of my life and that will carry over to the rest of the days of my life. People have said to me that I am a generally happy individual, and I let those people know that I have my dark days, but my hope is that I do put out a hopeful and positive outlook. 

Today I am grateful for the time we had with Twizzle. On Tuesday evening after a long weekend and 3 visits to the Vet's office, Lu had to make the hard decision to put down Twizzle. I am grateful that we had the long weekend with him and that because of the steroids he was on he was eating and for a day and a half that he was himself; active and loving. I am grateful for the wonderful Vets and Vet Techs who were so caring, not just for our cat but for our family. Dr. Straka called Saturday Morning and Sunday Morning just to check in, when I called in on Tuesday late afternoon we were told to bring him right down. I am grateful that Lu was able to be part of his last moments to say her good-bye and gain that perspective and closure. I am grateful to the Vet who treated him on Tuesday who has offered to do a paw print for her to have as a token of her beloved pet. 

I am Thankful that I have a home to live in, that my family is generally healthy and that my fridge is full of healthy, whole foods. 

I am Thankful for the Women Entrepreneurs United (WEU) for being a wonderful supportive group of women who share their souls and vitality with all the members. 

There is so much more to be Thankful for, but I want to make sure that each week I am being Thankful for something new and different and not repeating the same things. 

How about you? How will your life change if you start looking for those things to be grateful for instead of dwelling on the small negatives in life?

Don't hold yourself back.

This will be my first post since my introduction. Well ... not really. I've done one post since then, but I deleted it soon after posting it. I was so nervous that it wasn't good enough, or it wasn't long enough. I checked the grammar a million and one times trying to make it perfect. I stressed over if it was engaging; if anyone would read it.
I let those worries eat at me to the point that I was paralyzed. Every time I tried to write a post I would feel this wave of anxiety rush over me. So I would back away from the keyboard and forget about blogging for a few days. Then something would make me think ... WOAH I should blog about this. 
And the cycle would start over again.
Recently I've had this push to .. just do it. Start writing, see where it takes me. If the post is boring or terrible people will probably just ignore it and move on with their day. But if I don't post at all I won't get any better. 
So here I am writing a blog, seeing where it'll take me. My goal is to try and post each week, whether the post is short, or boring. I'll write it, edit it, and post it. Then I'll move onto the next thing. I won't sit and dwell on my mistakes, or the possibility of someone not liking what I have to say. Because if I live in constant fear of someone disagreeing with me I may never speak again.

While I'm on the subject of just doing things, and not over thinking them; I may as well tell you where this sudden push is coming from. 
We recently had to put my cat down. The cat my mother recently posted about. He wasn't getting better, and his quality of life was compromised. The veterinarians did everything they could but they couldn't stabilize him. So last night we made the decision to put him down. 
I stayed with him the whole time, petting him and comforting him until he stopped breathing. I am going to miss him of course, but I'm not devastated in the way I thought I'd be. I've decided to take a lesson from him.
I'm going to live my life in the best way I can. No second guessing and giving my love every chance I get. I began applying this lesson last night, when I decided I needed to paint. (Something I tend to over plan) So I painted, I just did it, and I felt satisfied. I'm also completing a sewing project today, and reading a comic my dad gave me. I'm not going to over think a crazy detailed schedule for my day, as I am wont to do. I'm going to do what I feel I want to in the moment I'd like to do it. 
I'm doing this even now, as I write this blog.
I'm just going to do it, and I will be satisfied. 

A Simpler Way to Organize

As 2014 drew to a close I began to see pins, blog posts and facebook feeds about decluttering and organizing in 2015. Much of the organization was designed around the idea of tackling a small (something under 1 hour) task each and every day. This is a GREAT idea, but as we all know by now I have a hard time staying on track and missing a day or 10 would make me feel overwhelmed and even a bit like a failure.  Then this caught my eye.

Victoria's idea seems so much more doable. To list out 52 things that can be accomplished simply by devoting a small amount of time to it each week.  So I have decided to give her little challenge a try, but in my own way. I am not going to list out 52 projects (because it is already the middle of January) instead I have gone room to room to list the projects I want to accomplish to declutter. I will be done when I can walk through my home and NOT feel the need to declutter. 

A home that is often messy is a sign of 1 of 2 problems. Problem 1: Too much stuff. If one has too much stuff then it tends to pile up. Problem 2: Too Little Space. If you have limited space then you have to decide is owning this item and giving up the precious real estate it is going to take up worth the item? 

OK so there is one more possibility, that you have problem 1 and problem 2. In my 2000 square foot (living space not counting that same amount of non-living space) I do not have enough storage solutions and space AND I have too much stuff. I am an organize out, while Lu is an organize in.

Organize out means I like (need) to be able to see what I have, but I do want it to be organized. Organize in means that Lu doesn't want to see anything, but she wants where it is stored out of sight to be neat and easily accessible. 

I also really, really like Victoria's rules, but I have to be Tree (Thank you Gretchen Rubin author of The Happiness Project) so I have set up my OWN rules:

One Week at a Time To A Simplified/Organized Home 

•  I can move ahead in my weekly list and the order the tasks are listed in is not the order I am moving through them. I will list what works for me. 
• I will only save those items for resale if they will likely sell in my neighborhood garage sale the first weekend of June (rain date to apply). Victoria set a value for the items to be sold, but since I simply want the items to go to a good home I am pricing my items low $1 for most items. I do want to find a local thrift store that is NOT a VOA, Goodwill or Salvation Army Affiliate. (If anyone in my area knows of an independent thrift store that would accept good quality used items please let me know.) After my garage sale everything that does not sell is going straight to charity. I also know from experience that a garage sale with too many little items feels cluttered and overwhelming so I am going to make an effort to get rid of the little things as I go and not hold onto them. There will be no nickel boxes at my garage sale. 
• I am setting up an area in the basement (as part of my office) for garage sale items. I do like this part of Victoria's rules: "I plan to date items with a sticky note when I place them in these boxes. I will go through them at the end of each month and any item that have been in them for longer than 4 weeks must be sold that very day, or it is off to the thrift store they go. No exceptions no matter what the value of the item." However, I plan to list items regularly on a Facebook page that I am part of. Those items will be up for sale on the FB page for two weeks. At the end of the two weeks they will get tagged for my community garage sale. At the end of my community garage sale EVERYTHING that didn't sell will go to charity. 
• Victoria's approach to look at the items as if she was moving is one that I can completely embrace, but I am going to ask myself when the last time I used the item, when I can use the item and is there something else I can substitute?
• Like Victoria I need to respect the stage of life I am in. To this end I want to set a deadline on the items that I plan to use or craft with. Ideally I am setting a one month time frame. If within one month's time I have not found the time to craft with the item I am going to immediately donate it. I am not allowing myself to keep those items for garage sale purposes because I feel that I would not truly be decluttering and organizing. 

I also like that Victoria is keeping herself accountable by posting weekly about her attempts and successes, so I plan to join her in that regard. I will be posting about my weekly attempt to declutter and organize on Tuesdays. I will also link to her weekly post so if you are interested you can see how she is doing as well. Here is my current weekly list, room by room:

Living Room:

1. Television Cabinet and Wii Game Basket

Kitchen:

2. Fridge/Freezer
3. Oven
4. White Rolling Cabinet
5. Built in Cabinets/Drawers
6. Baker's Rack

Breakfast Nook
7. Wire Rack #1
8. Wooden Rack
9. Wire Rack #2

Down Bathroom
10. Broken Chairs
11. Boxes

Dinning Room
12. Hutch
13. Display Case
14. Mantel and Bookcases
15. Table

Bedroom
16. My nightstand and corner   Completed 1/26/2014 
17. Top of dresser
18. Hub's nightstand and corner
Closet
19. Shelves
20. Laundry Basket
21. Milk crate
22. Rubbermade Tote
23. Briar Berry Bear's Basket

Up Office
24. Craft Table
25. Craft Bookcase
26. Boxes in front of Window #1
27. Dad's Bookcase
28. Boxes in front of Dad's Bookcase
29. Boxes in front of Window #2
30. Top of Desk
31. Under/in front of Desk
32. Shelf above hanging rod
33. Hanging Rod
34. Under Hanging Rod

35. Linen Closet

36. Stairwell Closet

37. Entry Closet

Front Porch
38. Exterior Wall Side
39. Interior Wall Side
40. Far Wall Side

Basement
41. E. Corner
42. W. Corner
43. N. Corner
44. S. Corner
45. Laundry Area
46. Chest Freezer

Basement Office
47. Desk Side
48. Sink Side

Attic
49. Attic Eve Storage
50. Attic Open Storage

This list can be edited as needed, adding items as I find them. While I will be posting new posts on my progress every Tuesday, I will be keeping tabs on this page with dates things are complete. Additionally, while I was looking for things to clean/organize/declutter in each room I could have also listed off items to be improved/repaired and I think I will start that list in pink in a new column and see how many tasks I come up with for that. The repair/improvement projects however are completely dependent on the financial situation at the time of the improvements. 

So what do you think? Do you want to join us?

Sunday Morning Pancakes!

I used to make all sorts of yummy breakfast treats; giant cinnamon rolls, pancakes, waffles, omelets, and french toast. When I went back to work making breakfast baked goods sort of just fell to the way side. Then the girls and I went gluten free, and Lulu eventually went grain free. 

Gluten Free baking is tough and Grain Free baking is even tougher without accounting for the COST of gluten free baking. For those of you who don't know what gluten is, it is a protein in wheat (and other things) that binds. This is what makes your bread fluffy without falling apart. 

After several Gluten Free Baking Fails I gave up. I figured life would just have to go on without bread and pancakes. I would search out Gluten Free and Grain Free recipes that had reviews and think "maybe some day". The problem I found is that MANY of those recipes called for a ton of eggs. Now I have nothing against eggs or honey. But a pancake recipe that has 5 eggs in it!? Those pancakes tasted like pumpkin scrambles eggs.... there had to be a better way.

For Christmas 2014 I purchased a couple of "cookbooks" for Lulu. She had really been getting into Gluten Free baking, and doing quite well at it. 

Then a few weekends ago Thia had a friend over for a sleepover and I wanted to make good pancakes. I made the friend normal pancakes (because she is a super picky eater if it is not white and a sugar/starch she doesn't eat it), but I wanted something for Thia. So I searched the cookbooks and I found a Vegan Pancake Recipe that could be Gluten Free or Grain Free. HAPPY DANCE!

 This is MORE than a cookbook, it is  "GUIDE".  From the beginning intro to the tips in each recipe this book will teach any skill level the ins and outs of Gluten Free and even Grain Free baking.  You decide what flour you want to use (or combination thereof) and go from there. This edition is The Essential Gluten-Free Baking Guide: Part 2 Learn How to Use Sweet Rice, Sorghum, Buckwheat, Teft, Cassava and Potato Flour in 50+ Recipes the Authors are Brittany Angell and Iris Higgins. Ms Angell has a website with a ton of recipes on it, and she does a great job of detailing those recipes, but I still think Part 1 and Part 2 are the way to go if you are just starting or in need of some serious help the way I was.

But I digress, back to the Sunday Morning Pancakes.

Since I had failed so many times before at MANY Gluten Free and Grain Free recipes I followed the recipe to a T (confession I did not read ALL of the tips, which you really should before you begin).

For this recipe you choose your flour from the flours suggested. The guide tells you the pros and cons of various types of flours. "Almond flour makes the best pancakes, hands down!" p.144

The recipe also gives the flour and starch measurements in cups and grams. I have a food scale and I had read from a number of sources that weight and not volume was the way to go in gluten/grain free baked goods. Although the Guide has a little something different to say on the matter: "If weight is so important then why do we include volume measurements? It's because we both use volume in our own baking. We keep track of our weight measurements so that we can reproduce recipes exactly from one time to the next. But when we're substituting one flour for another, we have found volume measurements work better for us. We know this is different from what most people will tell you, so let us explain."

The first Chapter is "How to Use This Book" and it discusses different types and brands of flours, as well as sugar alternatives and the things you need to know when using different flours or sugars. This really is a complete guide and is almost like having the authors in the kitchen with you training you.

I chose Almond Flour and Potato Starch because, according to the Guide those were the two to use. I weighed them out. Keep in mind when you work with starch they are very light so they can create a big mess. They also like to stick to the bowl or measuring device so I use a rubber spatula to scrap them into my mixing bowl. While the guide tells you that any mild flavored oil can be used, I used olive oil because that is what I use. I used applesauce and coconut sugar this time around. Since I always spice my pancakes I added freshly grated nutmeg and cinnamon and a dash of clove. 

The consistency was nothing like pancake batter. It was stiff and not runny. I used a Pampered Chef large cookie scoop (about 3 Tablespoon size) to measure out my pancakes (because I like uniformity). Once scooped into my pre-heated cast iron pan (which had coconut oil in it) I used the rubber spatula to squish them down a bit. 

I patiently nervously waited. I had gotten to this point a number of times before. Everything looks good, but then when you go to flip the pancakes it is a disaster. Either they stick to your well oiled surface or they just fall apart. 

These pancakes take time, about 2 minutes on each side to get the crispy outside. The good news is if you under cook these there is nothing in them that is potentially dangerous. 

This was the result

A crispy outside and a soft FLUFFY inside! They even tasted like real pancakes. I tried some, Lulu tried some and Thia LOVED them!

I topped them with Chia Chai Apple Compote:

Chop up a couple of apples, I used 4. I peeled my apples because they are cold storage apples which makes for tough skins, but in the fall when they are fresh I would use them skin and all. That is just a preference. Then I added roughly 1 cup of brewed Chai tea and let them cook together for about 10 minutes. As the apples warmed they become soft and let out some of their juices. You could stop there, but I am a super food junkie so I added 1 Tbsp of Chia seeds to the liquid and let that set up. I do not use ground Chia seeds, just whole ones. I also added 1 Tbsp of Coconut Sugar. 

This recipe was so good it was requested by Lulu for dinner at Grandmas where everyone else was having pizza (I picked up a Gluten Free/Dairy Free Daiya pizza for Thia and I, but since that has rice flour in it Lulu doesn't eat it). 

When I went to make them again for Lulu I realized (as she often does) she ate all the applesauce. Now this is where the confession that I didn't read all the tips and hints BEFORE making the recipe comes in. I had canned pumpkin in the house and I thought it was worth a shot to swap out one puree for another. I now had Pumpkin Spice Pancakes. Lulu loved them and I have made those again for both girls. "For the applesauce you can try using any puree. Banana, sweet potatoes and pumpkin work well." p 145

There was a request to make these chocolaty, so I added 3 heaping tablespoons of cocoa powder and an additional tablespoon of coconut sugar. The first time I made the recipe I used coconut milk (because I had it), the second time I used the left over "water" from a can of coconut cream, and after that I have used water for every recipe. I recommend making this strictly according to the directions before you play with it. It is important to know the consistency of the batter so that when you vary the recipe with say cocoa you can add extra water (which was needed).  The chocolate version was simply topped with some coconut oil and heated fruit preserves and everyone has loved them.

This morning I made them with home made almond "flour".  This was the remnants of my making almond milk in order to make dairy free egg nog.  After I soaked the almonds and the pureed them in the blend the mixture is strained and the pulp is spread out on a sheet of parchment on a cookie sheet. I let that air dry for 2-3 days and then I put it in the oven on warm (175 degree or so) for 4 hours. After that it set out for a week or so more. Then last night Lulu used the food processor to make flour and we put that in the fridge. 

I measured that out, but I didn't have enough. I was 30 grams shy. Since these pancakes were for Lulu using the Teft or Sorghum flour I had was not an option. We thought about Quinoa but decided to risk using coconut flour. The guide tells you that coconut flour does not work in this recipe and as a main flour that may be correct. The other change I made was to use coconut flour. I heated it to a liquid state and measured it out, but as soon as it hit the cold pumpkin puree and cold water it solidified and I was not happy with it. I will continue to use olive oil. The coconut oil did not damage the batter, it was just lumpy in the batter. Due to the addition of coconut flour I had to add almost the maximum amount of liquid called for in the recipe.  I added water to get the batter to the consistency I knew it should be from previous attempts. 

The results were spot on. The resulting pancake was a bit chewier but still crisp outside and fluffy inside. These I topped with butter and pumpkin puree with some coconut sugar (heated to combine) and Lulu topped hers with coconut oil and preserves. Overall a pancake win! I plan on trying some different flours with Thia (but this makes a Grain Free pancake Lulu can have). I also want to play with the starches, try a few different ones and even reduce the starch if possible. 

Saying Goodbye to 2014

What a year it has been. One year ago I asked the Universe to guide me on a path where I could enjoy what I do, find financial freedom and help people. I thought I knew what that path was. I thought that path would include educating people about safe usage of essential oils and living a more natural lifestyle. That was the birth of this blog. Lulu and I talked about doing a blog together. We settled on a name and finally set it up. 

Then the unexpected. In March I was let go from my position as a legal assistant and office manager. I had worked in that small office for 2.5 years.  I saw it as an opportunity. For years I had thought about becoming a massage therapist. I know so many wonderful people who are massage therapists. I even looked into the OSTM night program. I had a plan to do the night program when Thia graduated from high school. 

After discussing the possibility with my dear hubby we decided I should go ahead and change careers. I went to OSTM and enrolled in the next session. That session didn't start until July. I had planned on doing the 1 year program and toyed with the idea of working part time if my unemployment was not extended for the training program. 

On day 1 of the program I met some wonderful women (Peg and Hannah) who convinced me to switch over to the 6 month program. I am so glad I did. 

2014 has not been an easy year, but it has put me on the path to so much happiness. On Monday, January 5, 2014 I will begin my career as a massage therapist. 

So tonight as I spend time with my family (watching Star Trek The Next Generation, The Princess Bride and whatever other movies my girls select) I am grateful for the year that brought us to this point. 

Just Call Me Last Minute Lucy

Every year it is the same old story. As I wrap of the Holiday of the past year I vow to be more organized, more on top of my holiday prep. I vow to start my gifts early, and shop early, but then... I wait until the last possible minute to get everything done, and as a result I overspend. I really thought this year would be different. I always had good reasons for not getting things done sooner. I was busy with work, I was stressed and needed some down time, I just didn't have the time or the energy. This year I finished my schooling on 12/12 and I should have had a whole week to myself (while the girls were at school) to work on stuffs.... but I didn't.

Christmas is 3 days away and I still don't have everything done. I started Toothless today, but I don't know if that is going to come out or even get finished. I still need to make sugar scrubs, body butters, bath salts and coupon books. 

I did not send out Christmas cards, but then again I don't think I have sent out Christmas cards for almost a decade now.

I am a procrastinator and an excuse maker. Reasons are just excuses in nice clothing. I acknowledge this and 2015 is the year I work on changing that. I will work to be better prepared. This blog will help me do that. 

I also realize I missed a post yesterday, but rather than try to rush through one last night at 10 p.m., instead I accepted it for what it is. I am still going to try to post for the remaining portion of my 375 blog post per day. Missing yesterday was a just one of those things. 

I used to enjoy the holidays, then some how I got lost in trying to make the holidays perfect. Just before Thanksgiving, Thia told me the thing she remembers about the holidays is how stressed I get. Not the awesome gifts, or the fabulous things I have done to make Christmas "perfect". Not the fabulous and unique wrapping jobs I accomplish. Not the separate Santa paper. Not the unique ornament each year. Not the story book each year. No her memories are of me stressed out at the holidays. Talk about a bitter reality check. I wanted my girls to remember the holidays as a fun time with family, not Mom all stressed out. 

While they are teenagers there is still hope and there is still time. My mission from here on out, is to make sure that all holidays are laid back, and that the focus is family. Forget perfection, just enjoy the moment. 

Toothless can wait till tomorrow. I'll try to finish the head, and maybe start drafting the pattern for the body. Toothless might have been a bit ambitious for a non-sewer without a printer. I have a tutorial with a fab pattern, but my printer and my computer do not see eye to eye, so I am without a printer. 

So as you prepare and navigate this holiday season with family and friends, take a moment every once in a while to smile and enjoy the season. When you find yourself stressing, ask yourself if this doesn't get done, or come out perfectly what is the worst thing that could happen. Then remember you have a home, a family and friends to spend the holidays with. That is all that anyone really needs for the holidays and everyday.

Conversations with the Universe

Close your eyes for a moment and imagine the telephone ringing....
(OK open your eyes and just picture in your mind the following scenario)

Bring..... Bring.....
"Hello..."
"Hello, is this Tree?"
"Yes?"
"Well Tree this is the Universe calling and everything you want, everything you dreamed is just sitting there waiting for you to grab hold of it."
Click...

Now the Universe isn't really going to pick up the phone and call me, or you, but at the beginning of 2014 I set an intention. I set the intention that I was going to be helping people and I was finally going to be happy. 

My whole life had been planned out (in part by me, in response to what I thought would make others happy or proud)since I was in the third grade. I was going to graduate high school in the top 10%, I was going to college and then law school, I was going to do great things as a lawyer and even make partner by age 30.

I try to remember why I wanted to be a lawyer in the first place, it is not an easy thing. I was the youngest child and my earliest memories are of being compared to my older siblings. I was the "healthy one". My oldest sister was late (requiring a c-section) and was as a result a very large baby. She was always big for her age (much like my youngest child). She was not the smartest, but she had a big heart. My middle sister was unhealthy from the start. She was jaundiced and suffered from colic. She was a finicky child, and had a host of issues growing up. 

I was the "healthy child". We didn't really have the opportunity to explore sports and art. When it came to playing with the neighbor kids (just the one set at the top of the hill) I wasn't very fast, I wasn't great at frisbee or soccer. So I assumed I was just a mediocre athlete. When it came to art projects I never saw my macaroni art as "worthy" (wonder where my kids get their self-criticism from?).

In my household artsy careers were really frowned upon. I know that my parents wanted what was best for us, and they thought that meant pushing us to be what they defined as successful. I had an educational debate (argument) with my teacher when I was in the third grade (I won) and from that point forward I was told I would be an excellent lawyer. I latched on to that as it was the first thing that I seemed to be good at. 

I was a smart kid, but I wasn't the smartest kid. I wasn't very good at singing, or playing music, and my two left feet had me less than coordinated. 

Lawyering was something I could excel at, and this is how this became my plan in life. 

I thought I could do some good, maybe work in the public sector. Then in my undergraduate studies I married a wonderful man who helped me see that there was more to life than a plan that made everyone else happy. Yet still I felt pressured to go down the law school path, but I hated it. I stayed at home with my girls. I LOVED being a stay at home mom, but the comments would bother me.
"Since you don't do anything anyways..... would you mind....."
"It is such a waste for someone as smart as you to be at home with the kids..."
"When do you think you'll get back on track?"
I felt pressured to go back to work, and I WANTED to go back to work. I craved the accolades that I got for being good at what I do. I craved conversations that didn't start with "why" and end with "why". So I went back to work as a paralegal. 
I was good at being a paralegal and I felt like it was a good compromise. I was in the legal field and I was good at it. I however wasn't helping people. Just the opposite. 
I started in a foreclosure firm, where it was my job to take away houses and get them sold at auction. I had to field phone calls from homeowners with sob stories and at the end of my 60 hour week I felt lousy. 
I moved on to work in business and tax law. This felt good. There was no bad guy and no good guy. But this wasn't helping people. Eventually, I ended up working in insurance defense, it was our firm's job to give people nothing or as little as possible, to prove that people weren't really injured or not as injured as they claimed, or if they were injured it wasn't our insured's fault....
I was working long hours and ultimately I felt lousy about the kind of work I was doing. 

So at the start of 2014 I put out the intention that I would be happy in 2014 and I would be doing something that HELPED people. I thought the path I would take was one of teaching wellness classes using essential oils as a platform. I met wonderful women who showed me that I was not alone in wanted to empower individuals to take charge of their wellness and lives. In early March 2014 the Universe apparently felt I wasn't taking the call and gave me a big shove. I was let go from my job of almost 3 years. 

I was suddenly (but truly not unexpectedly) unemployed. I went through the paces, I looked for replacement work. I was at the top of the income bracket and the jobs just weren't there. 

On a whim I decided to head over to the massage school less than .5 mile from my home. I had been to the website before. I had even considered enrolling in their night program once my youngest graduated from high school. So I met with a fiery woman in admissions who gave me the information and tools I needed to make a decision. 

I discussed it with my husband, and with his support I made the decision to enroll. 

I was terrified. What if after spending all this time and money it didn't work out? Every time there was doubt in my heart, there was a light along my path. A comment from an instructor ("one of the best massages I have ever received from a student or a pro"), fellow students encouraging each other to achieve our dreams, or women in the world pushing me to reach for my dreams.

On the first day of hands on we discussed the techniques and styles we would be learning. One of them was pregnancy. From that moment forward I knew I wanted to do pregnancy massage. I didn't know why, but I knew I wanted to.

I aced the pregnancy course, and I am eager to find additional material to learn more about pregnancy. 

Again fear crept in and I wondered could I be successful in a pregnancy focused practice?

As fate would have it, we were preparing our business plans as part of our business course and I Googled "pregnancy massage, Rochester, New York". Several companies (spa and private practice) came up that offered pregnancy massage, but only one that was truly pregnancy focused. Her website was professional (not just a template) and well thought out. I hesitated. I wanted to reach out to her and just chat with her. 

Just at that moment Tom came down to check on the progress we were making on our business plans and he asked me "Have you researched if there are any other pregnancy practices in the area?"

"Actually, yes."

"And..."

"There is one. Her website is well crafted and professional."

"You should reach out to her, she is a graduate and I think she would love to chat with you...."

So I did, and she was very open to chatting with me and mentoring me. She is a wonderful women who is successful. I thought I would need to start under someone, and she assured me that once I am licensed if I put my business out there (professionally) then I will have no trouble finding clients (she'll even send some my way).

Meeting with her boosted my confidence and I started to think more seriously about my true business plan. I started to worry about affording space, and finding a space that I could meet new clients before traveling to them in their homes. Again the universe called and a friend who is an inspiration posted about have a room for rent in her space. We met and it is perfect. So in mid-March or early April (when I get my license) I will be working out of Awakened Athlete (the former Baby Bump Academy).

Again I started to doubt my success with a pregnancy focused practice (will it be affordable, will women be willing to take care of themselves) and the universe called again. Due to the large snowstorm last week the regular meeting of Women Entrepreneurs United was rescheduled. I was fortunate to attend one meeting in the early summer before I started massage school, but due to timing wasn't going to be able to attend again until January 2015. The meeting was rescheduled for this morning, so I was able to attend. 

Brenda led us through a discussion about fear. What is our biggest fear? For me my biggest fear is FAILURE. This has been a decade long dream (not the pregnancy practice, but becoming a LMT and helping people) so what if I fail? Being able to put that fear out in the open with a group of supportive women (who have faced the same fear) was helpful. I recognize that I am afraid of failing, but also that the only way I can fail is to not act, or to give up once I have started. 

The theme for 2015 is intention, and Coleen shared an image of a Kite with its tail just whipping in the wind. It made me think. I am going to create a kite for 2015 and tie my intentions to the tail. This will be a functional kite so once it is complete I'll have to take it out on a windy day and let it soar. Then as the year goes on I can add intentions to the tail and each time take it out and fly it. When it is not flying high it will be on my office wall where it can be a daily inspiration and reminding to keep soaring for my dreams. 

I am grateful to the Universe for always bringing the right person into my life at just the right time. 

Not Just Another Day

Today is my 37th birthday.  I have never been a big fan of celebrating my own birthday, however I do love celebrating other people's birthdays. It is not an issue of aging, to me age is just another number.  For me it has always been an issue of being uncomfortable in the spotlight. I have for so long focused on my flaws and my failures that I forgot to look for my own best attributes. These past six months of learning massage, I have also learned that it is important that I value myself. If I don't value myself, then no one else will either. So from now on my birthday is not just another day, it is a day for me to celebrate all I have accomplished, who I have become and where I am headed in life. I am grateful that I have found people to surround myself with who will help me to remember that I am worthy.

In this next year I am headed down a slightly uncertain path. I am studying for the New York State Massage Therapy Boards so I can receive my license to practice. I will open my own business for women in all stages of the birth cycle and I will make sure my family is in a more stable financial situation. 

I am excited to be doing something that makes me smile, and I am endeavoring to remember to do the things that make me happy. I am going to attempt a number of craft projects and home improvement projects. Many of the projects have been on my mind but I haven't even attempted them because I have always worried about failure. If I never started then I didn't fail. But for my 38th year of life I am going to change the way I look at those projects. I ONLY fail if I don't try the projects. 

Changing the way I think is a goal for my next year. I have always tried to give people the benefit of the doubt, not to judge and not to gossip. I am however human and I fall into bad habits, so for the next 365 my goal is not to judge and not to gossip.

I am also taking Thanksgiving to every Thursday of the year. Every Thursday I am going to list the things I am Thankful for from the previous week and that which I am Thankful for going into the next week. That which we look for, we find. 

Never again will I allow my birthday to pass without at least my own celebration of where I am in life. 

I did not write this post for people to leave nice comments and tell me good things about myself. I wrote this post because I know I have spoken to many people (most of whom are women) who struggle with valuing and celebrating themselves. There is always some guilt associated with self celebration and self valuation, as if that doing so takes away from another. Instead I believe there is enough, enough praise, enough good, enough celebration to go around, and much like the flame that is not diminished by lighting another candle, the more we celebrate, the more we praise, the more there will be to go around. 

How are you going to celebrate and value yourself this week, this month, this year of your life?

Accountability

I need some accountability in my life right now.  Since July my life has been a whirlwind of long days, some 12 hours long and 6 days a week. I want more. I recently finished reading Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project. It took me more than 8 months to finish reading it. I would read some and put it down, then weeks, months later pick it up and read some more. Recently an acquaintance suggested it as a book club read. I think I am going to join the book club.  When I first purchased the book, I thought I would read the book and do my own version of a happiness project. Right now, I don't think that is what I need in my life. I need some accountability. I have a ton of projects to finish and lots of de-cluttering to do. If I did as Gretchen did and started my year long happiness project with a de-cluttering phase, I would feel overwhelmed. I understand the importance of having a deadline, I work really well with deadlines. Not really, I just leave everything until a day or two before the deadline and then stay up late and get really grumpy trying to make the deadline.  Instead I would like to suggest that for me the happiness project is going to be a lifetime undertaking. 

I have lived much of my life with happy moments, but not truly happy. I want to live a life that is full of happy. I know there will be sadness (without sadness there can be no true appreciation of happiness), but I want to strive for a generally happy outlook and life.  To this end I believe I need to complete the projects I have hanging over my head and to completely remove the clutter. I am going to spend some time evaluating the objects in my life and asking myself if they truly serve a purpose, if they add to my happiness or if they are just another something in my life. 

To keep myself on track I plan to use this blog as an accountability tool. I will list 1 outstanding project each week, post a photo of one room/area of clutter, and state one goal for the week. At the end of the week I will give an update on the project stating the progress I have or have not made, post a new photo of the room/area of clutter and give feedback on how I am doing toward reaching my current goal. When the project is done, the area/room is organized and the goal is achieved I will simply move on to the next. 

I am open to the idea of turning some projects over to professionals, but at this moment in time, while I am unemployed those projects will simply be quoted for a price and set aside until I can afford to have someone else finish them for me. 

My first project is my quilt. The quilt was started by my Oma (who passed away) and finished by my mother. The edge of the quilt has come apart and I would like to hand sew it back together. That is my first project. I will let you know what progress I have made come next week. 

My first area/room is my downstairs powder room.  This room has been torn apart for the better half of a decade. It was a poorly designed and barely functioning bathroom. We decided to move the door (done) and to redo the entire bathroom. We have the materials (most of them) to redo the bathroom. Currently it is acting as a store room for my clutter. So I have decided that I will start clearing it out. Eventually I would like it to be a bathroom again. I will probably need to hire out some of the work (laying the tile floor and the plumbing) since I do not possess the skills or tools for those two projects, but none of that can be done until I have cleared it out and gotten it ready for work. 

Everything in that room will be evaluated for its usefulness to myself. Anything that I don't need/want will be sold, tossed or donated. I hope that by selling some of the junk I have collected in the past 15 or so years I can pull together the funds to complete some projects (or to pay others to complete the projects). 

I am currently unemployed and have been since March. I am in school for massage therapy and that full time program leaves me no time to work a $10/hr part time job. My unemployment benefits ran out at the end of September and there are no funds left in savings.  Some of the money I bring in from selling off items I am not using will go toward groceries and other bills, anything above that will go toward finishing one project at a time. 

Part of the reason I choose the quilt as my first project is because it only requires the basic sewing skills I possess. We have plenty of thread, so there is no cost in completing it. There are plenty of projects that will require some money to complete. 

The reason I am choosing to start in the downstairs bathroom, is because I believe it is small enough to make me feel like I am making progress and might bring in a small amount of money. 

My goal is to be less critical, less critical of myself, my family and of people in general. Like most I find myself judging and gossiping. I am going to work at reminding myself that I gain nothing from judging others or from gossiping, but that happiness is found in enjoying the life and things I do have.

This is the room I am starting on:

This is the blanket I am working on: