Reflections

I thought 2015 was going to be MY year. I started out the year asking for guidance from the universe. I tried to repair my marriage, only to discover it was beyond repair. I made a decision to move out of my home and start over. The year started out so well, then I lost focus. 

I stopped focusing on what was in front of me, where I was going and all the wonderful things I had in my life. I started focusing on all that I didn't have (time or money - I never seem to have both at the same time). I became resentful of my estranged husband for the money he has. 

As Christmas approached I went from thinking this was going to be the best Christmas ever, to wanting to skip or cancel the holiday.

2015 was not a total loss. I learned.

I learned that my Christmas spirit has been lacking because of worry and stress. Initially worry about upsetting my husband with my holiday spirit as well as worry about making the holiday happen. Even without my Grinch husband I found it difficult to enjoy my holiday. I worried about having lights for the tree (which I found I had and a true friend offered me more should I need them). I worried about having the supplies to bake (we did not bake this year because I did not have the money or supplies to bake). I worried about being able to put even one gift under the tree (I never feel confident in my craftiness). I worried about being able to even serve Christmas dinner. 

I learned that while I have felt alone for the majority of my marriage and as a parent, I also feel alone because I am empty. I have no confidence in myself or my abilities. 

I learned that Christmas will go on, with or without means. I had one of the best Christmases I have had since I was a young child (more on that later this week). 

I learned that my focus needed to shift. I need to shift from what I do not have and what I cannot do, to what I do have and what I can do (more on that later this week). 

I learned I have a lot of friends and just who was not truly a friend. I did not lose any friends. Those who walked away were never my friends. 

I learned I have strength that I have yet to tap, and that happy is not easy. It takes work and every day I get up I have a choice. A choice to move forward and look for the good and the joy or stay stagnant and woeful. 

2015 may not have been the year I thought it would be, but it was the year that I needed it to be. 

I needed to feel utterly alone to realize that feeling alone was not the result of the people around me, but an emptiness in myself. Something that I cannot fill with food or stuff, people or events. It is something that I have to fill from myself. I have to grow my own confidence, joy and self-worth. No one can do that for me. 

So look at 2016 this is going to be my year.