It's That Time of Year Again

For me this is the time of year when I look back on my year as a whole and start thinking about my intentions and focus for the year to come. This time last year I was once again dreading the Christmas holiday, and I began to wonder how that happened.

How did I go from being the girl/teen/woman who loved everything Christmas (I couldn't wait for Thanksgiving weekend because that was the start of family gatherings and all things Christmas) to dreading my favorite time of year?

The answer is simple. Even though I grew up with plenty of simple Christmases (many years the only gifts under the tree were the homemade ones my parents could put together) I felt like I was failing my family.  Christmas for me was never about spending money or store bought gifts. My fondest memories are of the items my family exchanged, a handmade Cabbage Patch Doll, Hope Chest or the Jewelry Box my father helped me build for one of my sisters. 

From Lu's first Christmas I set the intention of keeping the holiday simple and about family not about the gifts. And no matter what I had to spend on gifts there were always plenty of gifts. My mother (love her dearly) always goes overboard when it comes to Christmas for the grands (part of me wonders if it is to make of for the holidays I had as a child). My then mother-in-law would always bring a sack of presents as well. No matter what the finances I always managed to fill stockings and have plenty of presents under the tree and put a nice meal on the table. Some years (many years) I wasn't able to do any Holiday Baking but still there were cookies (from Nana and Gramma).

Christmases with my husband were far more complicated than those from my childhood and at first I enjoyed them. I went from Christmas Eve being about Oyster Stew and Christmas Eve service to a large and elaborate celebration (including a visit from Mr. and Mrs. Claus) with my husband's entire extended family. I was in charge of the shopping and I took pride in finding just the right gift for the kids (and later for the Secret Santa Exchange) and being able to do so with our limited funds.

So what changed? 

The truth is I changed.

I was no longer content with struggling pay check to pay check and having to wait for birthday money in order to pay for Christmas. I was stressed out at having to wait until 10 days (or less) before Christmas to be able to buy gifts (and needing to ship some of those gifts downstate in time for the Holiday), holiday meal supplies and if anything was left over holiday baking supplies. 

I resented that my husband did not contribute to the holidays (although I do have memories of him finding Christmas Music and/or Christmas movies on the internet for me and the kids). I resented being solely responsible for making Christmas special not only for my kids but for our Secret Santa Recipients in his family. I resented that he got to keep his Birthday money (we are both December birthdays) for something fun for himself, while mine went to pay back bills and for the holiday. I resented that my Christmas money always went to paying bills in January and February (because we never had enough to get through the month) and that my "share" of our tax return  also went to back bills and paying for Lu's birthday celebration (and that there never seemed to be money for Sam's birthday celebration). I resented everything about my husband and our marriage. 

This was not good for me, for my marriage or for my husband. My resentment made it so that I was not able to enjoy or appreciate the little things that my husband DID do for ME. Like the day I came home from work to find our artificial Christmas tree put together and lights plugged in, and even an effort at fluffing the branches. 

So this time last year I made a decision to put the focus on fixing my marriage. I was determined that if I could make my husband happy that I would once again have a happy marriage. I felt that the key to that happiness was in decluttering our home. After all he was always commenting on how much of a mess my stuff was. I was determined to appreciate and praise all the little things that he did for me and the kids. 

The problem then (and through out our whole marriage) was that I was the only person working toward fixing our broken marriage. I had always been the one to compromise, I had taken interest in the things they interested him, but never the other way around. The more I tried to appreciate a day that he did the dishes, the laundry or swept the downstairs floors all I could think of was all the times that he didn't do those things, or that if it wasn't easy and free he didn't do anything to try to make me happy. 

We agreed not to exchange gifts, occasionally one of us (usually me) would break that rule and give a gift. However, every Christmas I filled his stocking when I filled the kids stockings. Then last year Lu took it upon herself to fill my stocking. Up to that point I had always "filled" my own stocking and by filled I mean threw a few things in so it wasn't obvious to small children that my stocking was neglected. Having Lu take over filling my stocking made me both happy (happy that she could see that my stocking was neglected, but sad that her father couldn't or didn't care). 

Another holiday crashed and burned. I remember getting into a fight with my husband just moments before leaving for his family's Christmas Eve get together and the tension in the car was thick. Then, like always, the moment we were in front of other people he put on his charm and pretended (like he always did) that we were a perfect happy family. These moments used to make me smile (because I would get to see briefly the man I fell in love with) but at that party I had to keep walking away from the party before I started crying (because now it was a painful reminder of the man I fell in love with who only came out when other people were around). 

This post isn't an effort to condemn my husband as the reason our marriage failed, but simply a realization on my part. The failure or success of a marriage is rarely tied to one person alone. Success requires both parties to participate, and failure in our case was the result of neither party communicating. I am notoriously a lousy communicator, especially when it comes to advocating for my own feelings and being treated well. I dislike conflict.

It wasn't that long ago when Sam said he was finally looking forward to Christmas. This nearly broke my heart. All the effort I put into making Christmas magical and what does Sam recall of his past 13 Christmases? That his mother was sad and stressed. He is looking forward to this Christmas because he doesn't think I will be sad or stressed, and so for his sake I am really trying. 

This however is yet another super stressful Holiday and I am beginning to wonder what I am doing wrong. Last weekend we all went to pick out a tree. I appreciated the convenience of a fake tree (and getting the fake tree was my idea and I used my Christmas money to buy one 15 years ago after Christmas), I have always missed the smell of a real tree (not the almost right smell of a pine candle, but the real smell of a real tree) and the look of a real tree. So thinking I could get a tree for $10 but prepared to pay up to$30 the kids and I went tree shopping. Our tree cost us $54 ($4 more than I had to spend on the holiday not just the tree). I quietly talked the kids down from a $68 tree to a $54 without letting on that it had to do with finances.

The tree is up and it is gorgeous, but it brings me both joy and sadness. Likely our tree will be without lights this year. I have 2 boxes of white lights and I think 3 strands of blue lights (somewhere in the boxes in the attic). I have plenty of ornaments to decorate it, but I don't have anything for under the tree. I don't have the supplies to make homemade gifts, and I don't have the money for homemade gifts. 

I don't have the money to pay the remainder of this month's rent (which is already late), to pay the RG&E bill, put gas in the car, buy groceries (I have $160 in food stamps for the remaining days of December and until the 5th day of January), buy supplies for gluten free holiday baked goods.

Somehow things have worked out this year. I have placed my faith in the Universe and it has not let me down, so now that is where I will place my holiday/end of year worries. I believe that the universe will take care of my holiday and that somehow things will work themselves out. 

This post isn't about sympathy or asking for anything from my readers, those of you who know me, know I wouldn't accept (there are people in far worse situations than mine) but instead about getting those feelings out in the open in an effort to move forward. 

Is there anyone else who loves this holiday but finds the stress of being expected (even if self imposed) to create a perfect magical holiday to be overwhelming?