One Year Ago Today

One year ago today I started on a journey that changed my life. I knew changing careers would change my life, but I never imagined just how much.

Some of you may have noticed that I have been absent from the blog for some time. I was working on a blog post about Valentines Day gifts that didn't cost a ton of money but still showed your loved ones just how much you loved them. I had a brilliant idea for 52 date cards. Coming up with 52 ideas to do things with my daughters was easy. Coming up with 52 ideas that both my husband and I would like was near impossible.

On day one of Massage School we were all gathered together and told something along the lines of :
Some people come to massage school to heal others, some people will leave massage
school realizing that it was themselves they sought to heal. I met a wide variety of people who where genuinely supportive and kind. I realized that to take care of others I had to take care of myself.

I decided to make 2015 the year of me. I thought that to make me happy I needed to get my house in order and fix my marriage. Of course fixing the house and marriage were entirely my responsibility.  I thought if I lived in a house that was clean, organized and did not have 15 or so unfinished projects that I would be a happier person. AND if I was a happier person I would be easier to live with. Makes sense right?

So I set myself a deadline I was going to get the house market ready in 2015 (no I did not talk to my husband about any of this). I was going to figure it our with sheer desire to get it done and no funds to spare.  I was also going to make my marriage work.

The more I thought about trying to make my marriage work, the more I realized I couldn't make my marriage work alone and I couldn't speak with my husband. Somewhere in the last 15 years of marriage we had lost our connection (if we ever really had one). My marriage was not always bad. I have great memories, but at some point the two of us just changed. Changed in ways that we made each other unhappy and seemingly brought out the worst in each other. Most importantly somewhere along the way I stopped communicating (so did he, but I can only take responsibility for my own actions). A relationship without communication is nothing.

I realized I didn't have the strength, the time (I was working 2 part time jobs for a total of 6 days a week), or the money to finish the house or get it ready for the market.

I realized that before I could make anyone else happy, I had to be happy myself. No more fake it till you make it. True genuine happiness. I am not there yet, but I am closer.

So at the end of March I moved into my own apartment. I am now struggling to balance all that is single parenthood, building a career, divorce without a lawyer and turning my apartment into a home.

In moving out of the house I had lived in for 15 years I realized I have WAY TO MUCH STUFF.  My goal is to lessen the stuff. I want to start looking at things critically and asking myself if I truly NEED and/or WANT an item before I find a home for it.  One of my goals/resolutions for 2015 was to declutter and organize. I knew that the amount of stuff I had (hoarded) was getting in the way of my living my life. What I know now is that I was hoarding stuff to feel safe and protected. I felt alone and vulnerable. The stuff was my way to safeguard myself and the kids from hard times (it didn't really work).

I also fell off the Vitalitis Wagon.... hard. I am back at square one with my health. I am sleeping poorly, my skin is not in a great state, my digestion could use some help and I am generally fatigued and feel ughhh.

The good news is that I can always start again. So today is Day 1 of making small changes for a better life. For the next 10 days all I am going to focus on is hydration. I am going to make sure I am drinking ample water every single day. My water will likely be infused with lemon or lime and ginger or mint, but the important thing is to drink small amounts of water throughout the day. That is where I am choosing to start.

Eventually I will do a Mean Green Smoothie Cleanse, but not yet, I am not ready for that.

A lot has changed in a years time, all of it for the better. I have embarked on a career where I can help people (which is something I always felt was missing from my life). I have my own place and a home. I am learning who I am. You know I never learned who I was. I always lived my life trying to please other people. To be what they wanted. Now I know I have to figure out what I want and then I have to go for it.

Don't worry this won't turn into a man hating, divorce blog. I promise. I also promise to be more regular about posting. There have been big changes in my life, including a drastic change to my hair.... more to come ......