One Year - 366 Days

One year ago today, despite my fear of change, I made a major change in my life. 366 days ago I ended my marriage and struck out in an apartment all on my own. You see, with the exception of my freshman year of college, I never really lived on my own. And freshman year really doesn't count does it? There were no bills to pay, just a tiny one room and bathroom to keep clean. 

After my Freshman year I got an apartment with my husband (then Fiance), a year later we moved into his mother's condo (which she never really moved out of) and a year after that we bought our house.  

I lived in that house for almost 15 years. It was, when I bought it a dream of mine. I could see how it would fix up nicely. I could see the new custom kitchen, the bathroom with jacuzzi tub, the cleaned up and usable basement, restored trim and a lovely yard with front and back gardens. We even had roughly $7k to get started on renovations. Unfortunately, that $7k was used almost exclusively to "renovate" the attic into a Man Cave. 

The work was me and my Dad alone, and I had to scrimp and save to buy $200 worth of materials every 6 months or so, OR use my birthday gifts and "share" of the tax return to buy materials. We (I) picked out colors, he said he didn't care, then he went out to get the colors and bought a 5 gallon pail of tan instead because it was cheaper. And that was the beginning of the death of my dreams. 

At every turn he would agree to my design plans and then he would go with the cheapest possible option. Projects went incomplete, because it was dependent on me taking care of 2 children 24/7 and using my weekends with my Dad (who worked full time +) to complete project after project. Then when I went back to work I was to use my weekends and time off to finish repairs. I was still responsible for the kids when I wasn't at work. 

I had lost most of my friends. I could rarely go out, because I always had to bring the children with me, drop them off at my parents (which was usually 30 minutes out of the way from where I was headed) or hire a babysitter to watch them at the house. Surprisingly, no one would come watch my kids at the house while there father hid out in the attic. 

At one point, desperate or adult interaction I started hosting dinner parties. I have so many GREAT memories of those dinner parties. Beth, Chris, Josh, Todd, Sarah, Matt, Matt, Jenn, Tom and even people that would be brought by other attendees. We made many fun dinners (everyone brought a dish, and everyone took a turn at cooking). After dinner we played board games, cards, watched movies and on occasion just had great conversation. Those became awkward as he would come down grab a plate and retreat to the attic. People began to feel as though they were invading his domain. The company became sparse and then stopped all together. 

I tried my hand at several direct sales businesses (to bring in extra cash), but never made ANY money and incurred quite a bit of debt. In the early days I would drop the kids off at my Mom's in the later days I was able to bring them with me. 

I tried to find coffee clubs, community organizations, but could never quite find anything that I could consistently attend. 

I was lonely. I should not have been lonely, after all I was "happily" married (or so I would tell everyone I met).

Then something amazing happened. The stress of trying to do it all started to get to me, and I was cracking. I was not able to do my job, and to keep my boss happy. She fired me. I applied for unemployment and began my job search. He was also supposed to start a job search (he did not). There were few jobs and all for less then half my last salary. I applied for them anyways. I was turned down as to qualified and likely to keep looking and move on. 

Onondaga School of Therapeutic Massage was across the street from Rochester Works (where I was mandated to report for workshops and open interviews in order to receive my unemployment).  I had wanted to go to massage school for a while. I had thought about attending their evening program (18 months) after my youngest graduated high school. I had looked into the program some years back. 

After a particularly time wasting workshop on how to write a resume (a copy of which was laughed at by 3 head hunters as the MOST unprofessional resume they had ever seen, but submitted as required for my unemployment) I stopped in to OSTM to see what options I might have. After doing my research I informed the ex that I would not get ANY funding for retraining, but I could apply for permission to retrain while collecting my unemployment. I also informed him that my benefits would possibly run out in the midst of my program. He agreed and thought it was a good idea. The week I began my program all extensions to unemployment were cancelled. 

While in massage school an instructor said something like: Many people come to massage school to help other people and learn that they are really there to help themselves. Several times at Massage School I was brought to tears. I met wonderful people (my 6 month program buddies, and so many people in the 12 month program - we did Sciences together).  I learned just how alone I felt, how unsupported I felt and how unhappy I was in my marriage.

 Several other things happened between my graduating massage school and my decision to rent my own apartment, but ALL of them had me feeling like I was alone in my marriage and the ONLY value I had to my ex was my ability to pay the bills and take care of the children. 

I evaluated, I even changed my mind (only to come face to face with how alone I was again), I was scared. 

What if I couldn't make it on my own?

What if I couldn't take care of my children?

What if I failed at my business?

What if I failed my Boards?

What if....?

I couldn't make it as part of the marriage. I had incurred $30k in credit card debts waiting for my ex to grow up and significantly contribute to our lives. I didn't take elaborate vacations (or really many vacations of any sort - except those my mother took me and the kids on and paid for), I didn't buy clothes (for me, I did buy the kids clothes and shoes), I didn't buy jewelry. I DID try to start several businesses to make 2 full time salaries (my full time salary for my day job and a full time salary (as promised by ALL direct sales/MLM companies) in a few hours, a few days a week). 

I couldn't take care of my children as part of the marriage. I was teaching them marriage was about two unhappy adults, one adult who does everything and the other adult who does what they want to do. I couldn't provide for them, consistently I was relying on credit cards, gifts of money, and my share of the tax return to pay bills, buy necessities and give them birthday/Christmas gifts. 

I couldn't run my own business while in the marriage. ALL of my failed Direct Sales attempts showed that. 

I passed my Boards. 

A year later, I realize how much damage I took to my self esteem, and confidence levels. 

A year later, I have been on welfare (SNAP - which ends officially this month, 10 months after being approved). I nearly lost my home (I still owe my landlord 1.5 months of rent). I don't have a car. I am living off my tax return and waiting for my divorce to be final.  

I am still angry, I am still sad, I still do not want to be friends with my ex, I have lost friends who I didn't think I would lose.

I do know that he is not the bad guy. I am not the bad guy. We just had different views of what a marriage was and what OUR marriage should be. We had different views of what it meant (means) to be a parent and how to raise our children. 

Maybe some day we will be friends, and maybe not. 366 days is a long time, but it is also a short time. 1 year on my own, learning who I am and what I want from life. I spent nearly 19 years trying to be something for someone else. Maybe if I had known who I was 19 years ago this would be a different story.